My beloved Gramma used to say to me, "Jaci, you can't convince people they should feel a certain way. They either feel something or they don't, and you don't get to decide." Meaning, you don't get to tell someone they should love; they should feel sad; they should be remorseful; or they should be happy. They get to feel however they feel. The end.
But, unfortunately, the old adages "Choose to be happy" or "Fake it until you make it" or "Start your day with a smile" were also common place in my upbringing. Does anyone else see a discrepancy?
Others could feel however they wanted, but me, I had to be okay and happy. I don't blame my parents or grandparents for this confusion, I think society as a whole creates this collective mindfuck. The mindfuck of "others can be angry/sad/scared, but you should always be happy and strong".
We're taught to be compassionate to our friends when they are mourning, but not cry in public ourselves.
We're taught to hold our friends' hands when they are scared, but never show our own weaknesses.
We're taught to understand when someone is angry with us, but to always kill them with kindness.
But, you know what, sometimes, I'm angry or sad or scared or hurt or all four. Yet, I'll always try to cover it up by convincing myself that I'm happy and okay.
But, then something worse happens...when I don't become happy or okay, I start to feel guilty about it. (Hey, this is a emotion party, why not invite guilt too? We don't want anyone to feel left out.)
So, then I try harder, by telling jokes and watching funny movies and hanging with friends and when that doesn't work, I feel more guilt. So, then I finally open up to my friends and family about how I'm scared/sad/angry and they, because they are taught by society to comfort others, tell me how awesome I am and all the reasons I should be proud and happy trying to convince me that I should be happy.
But, wait a minute...
I thought we couldn't convince others to feel any particular way, but apparently there's an exception when you want a person to feel better? Howthehell does that work?
It doesn't, because it makes the sad/angry/scared person place their happiness outside themselves by basing it on how others see them. Which is exactly where I was last Saturday when I wrote about my Quarter 1 of 2011 Accomplishments. I was trying to convince all of you and myself that I was okay and proud and happy!
But, I wasn't.
I was depressed, miserable, sad, lonely, hurting, scared, bored, listless, etc. I was feeling a lot of things, and had been for awhile, but I'd been putting on my "happy face" and trying to "fake it until I made it" and "giving joy to receive joy" and blah, blah, blah.
I was trying to convince myself to feel a way I wasn't, instead of just going through whatever I needed to go through. This notion struck me on Monday night, when I was trying to work on the rest of my accomplishments (I did get them done, I'll post them eventually) because I realized I wasn't doing it for myself, but so I could put them up on this blog and prove to everyone who reads it that I'm not some lazy loser.
And, while I know intellectually I'm not a loser, right now, emotionally, I feel like one. I'm 28, unemployed and living with my mom in a town that bores the shit outta me. I'm lonely and have two cats. I blog because for some reason, the fact people give a crap about what I say makes me feel important, even though they are mostly people who already know me (and a couple in Israel and Hungary - random).
I'm still bitter and resentful over what happened at my last job. The fact I was let-go because someone didn't like me really fucks with my head and makes me nervous to get another job, because everywhere I go, someone isn't going to like me. And it makes me question if I really have the work ethic I thought I had or if I'll ever be good enough to be a professional at anything.
I feel misunderstood and sabotaged by the few people I do talk to around here because I really don't believe they are okay with me wanting to be healthy or move away. I miss my friends in Des Moines and want to visit them, but since I'm trying to save as much money as possible for The Big City Move, I don't, which causes me to feel guilty.
It confuses and startles me to remember other people's lives are still playing out when I feel like I'm in perpetual "pause" mode. And, it's tempting to go get a relatively well-paying factory job around here and probably even a boyfriend (seriously, men around here are easy), but then I worry that I'll become comfortable and settle and settling is the scariest thing of all to me.
And people wonder why I have anxiety.
So, yeah, I'm going through some shit and I decided that this week, I was just going to let myself go through it without any distractions. One of the few blessings of being unemployed is that I don't have to go to work and put on my professional and happy face everyday, I can sit in my PJs all day and only leave the house if I want to.
So...that's what I did.
I napped a lot; I ran a little; I got my hair deep-conditioned (so relaxing); I wrote; I drew; I took some photographs; I went to the movies; I ate Mexican, Italian, and Chinese food; and eventually I started laughing again. In fact, yesterday I realized I finally felt normal and joyous. The last time I felt that way was my first day in NYC.
Hello, Genuine Joy, I've missed you. Welcome back, Eye-crinkling Smiles, I needed to feel you. Goodbye, Convincing, I'm not going to try to fool myself anymore.
So...
For those of you who come here every Saturday to see my WI results, you're going to be disappointed today. I didn't track my points this week, and I didn't weigh-in this morning. I figure I give myself the week off when I'm physically sick, then I should allow myself a week off when I'm emotionally sick as well. But only the week, today I start a new week, and I start tracking again. I'm sure this coming week will be a good one, because the better I feel, the easier the plan is for me and I think that is true for most people.
Anyways, I wrote this whole thing for one reason: I want my friends who are on their weight-loss journeys and who have been inspired my my loss, that it's okay to take the week off and give yourself a break. And, also stop convincing yourself that you're fine when you aren't. I know it can have a direct effect on your WLJ, so if you're struggling maybe take a some time to figure out exactly what is going on inside. Because until that's sorted out, the outside is going to fight change.
But, unfortunately, the old adages "Choose to be happy" or "Fake it until you make it" or "Start your day with a smile" were also common place in my upbringing. Does anyone else see a discrepancy?
Others could feel however they wanted, but me, I had to be okay and happy. I don't blame my parents or grandparents for this confusion, I think society as a whole creates this collective mindfuck. The mindfuck of "others can be angry/sad/scared, but you should always be happy and strong".
We're taught to be compassionate to our friends when they are mourning, but not cry in public ourselves.
We're taught to hold our friends' hands when they are scared, but never show our own weaknesses.
We're taught to understand when someone is angry with us, but to always kill them with kindness.
But, you know what, sometimes, I'm angry or sad or scared or hurt or all four. Yet, I'll always try to cover it up by convincing myself that I'm happy and okay.
But, then something worse happens...when I don't become happy or okay, I start to feel guilty about it. (Hey, this is a emotion party, why not invite guilt too? We don't want anyone to feel left out.)
So, then I try harder, by telling jokes and watching funny movies and hanging with friends and when that doesn't work, I feel more guilt. So, then I finally open up to my friends and family about how I'm scared/sad/angry and they, because they are taught by society to comfort others, tell me how awesome I am and all the reasons I should be proud and happy trying to convince me that I should be happy.
But, wait a minute...
I thought we couldn't convince others to feel any particular way, but apparently there's an exception when you want a person to feel better? Howthehell does that work?
It doesn't, because it makes the sad/angry/scared person place their happiness outside themselves by basing it on how others see them. Which is exactly where I was last Saturday when I wrote about my Quarter 1 of 2011 Accomplishments. I was trying to convince all of you and myself that I was okay and proud and happy!
But, I wasn't.
I was depressed, miserable, sad, lonely, hurting, scared, bored, listless, etc. I was feeling a lot of things, and had been for awhile, but I'd been putting on my "happy face" and trying to "fake it until I made it" and "giving joy to receive joy" and blah, blah, blah.
I was trying to convince myself to feel a way I wasn't, instead of just going through whatever I needed to go through. This notion struck me on Monday night, when I was trying to work on the rest of my accomplishments (I did get them done, I'll post them eventually) because I realized I wasn't doing it for myself, but so I could put them up on this blog and prove to everyone who reads it that I'm not some lazy loser.
And, while I know intellectually I'm not a loser, right now, emotionally, I feel like one. I'm 28, unemployed and living with my mom in a town that bores the shit outta me. I'm lonely and have two cats. I blog because for some reason, the fact people give a crap about what I say makes me feel important, even though they are mostly people who already know me (and a couple in Israel and Hungary - random).
I'm still bitter and resentful over what happened at my last job. The fact I was let-go because someone didn't like me really fucks with my head and makes me nervous to get another job, because everywhere I go, someone isn't going to like me. And it makes me question if I really have the work ethic I thought I had or if I'll ever be good enough to be a professional at anything.
I feel misunderstood and sabotaged by the few people I do talk to around here because I really don't believe they are okay with me wanting to be healthy or move away. I miss my friends in Des Moines and want to visit them, but since I'm trying to save as much money as possible for The Big City Move, I don't, which causes me to feel guilty.
It confuses and startles me to remember other people's lives are still playing out when I feel like I'm in perpetual "pause" mode. And, it's tempting to go get a relatively well-paying factory job around here and probably even a boyfriend (seriously, men around here are easy), but then I worry that I'll become comfortable and settle and settling is the scariest thing of all to me.
And people wonder why I have anxiety.
So, yeah, I'm going through some shit and I decided that this week, I was just going to let myself go through it without any distractions. One of the few blessings of being unemployed is that I don't have to go to work and put on my professional and happy face everyday, I can sit in my PJs all day and only leave the house if I want to.
So...that's what I did.
I napped a lot; I ran a little; I got my hair deep-conditioned (so relaxing); I wrote; I drew; I took some photographs; I went to the movies; I ate Mexican, Italian, and Chinese food; and eventually I started laughing again. In fact, yesterday I realized I finally felt normal and joyous. The last time I felt that way was my first day in NYC.
Hello, Genuine Joy, I've missed you. Welcome back, Eye-crinkling Smiles, I needed to feel you. Goodbye, Convincing, I'm not going to try to fool myself anymore.
So...
For those of you who come here every Saturday to see my WI results, you're going to be disappointed today. I didn't track my points this week, and I didn't weigh-in this morning. I figure I give myself the week off when I'm physically sick, then I should allow myself a week off when I'm emotionally sick as well. But only the week, today I start a new week, and I start tracking again. I'm sure this coming week will be a good one, because the better I feel, the easier the plan is for me and I think that is true for most people.
Anyways, I wrote this whole thing for one reason: I want my friends who are on their weight-loss journeys and who have been inspired my my loss, that it's okay to take the week off and give yourself a break. And, also stop convincing yourself that you're fine when you aren't. I know it can have a direct effect on your WLJ, so if you're struggling maybe take a some time to figure out exactly what is going on inside. Because until that's sorted out, the outside is going to fight change.
